Please

I dream a dream of love, to be loved.
What does it mean to be loved?
What does it take to be loved?
Apparently, im not good enough to be loved?
I hate myself! It hurts so much!
Why does true love always
Put me on a shelf…..inadequate.
I search in my cherished, broken relationship
Where I find that even when im not alone
I’m still just all by myself….
My heart is so lonely because
I’ve been rejected so much
Even those close to me hesitate to touch
This breaks my heart completely
Every day I cry a river of tears
All these things that keep happening to me
Act as agents of all of my fears
So I wander listlessly through life
Rejected heart helpless and alone
Life collapsing, crushing and wounding me
I so long to go home.
But home is where your heart is
And my shattered heart is hung
On someone else’s cold decisions
As in place of love they hold me in derision
As I fear my fate and bide my time
And pray there is no permanent division.
asa

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The Sidewalk Revisited

On this sidewalk I did walk, again
Now that I am much older
I returned one sunny day out of the blue
To see if I could feel again
What I did all those years ago
Things have changed, but not much
As I remembered the walks I made
On these concrete squares
During those early years of my life.
I remembered once again, how
In that mystical way you came
And took my hand and started
To walk me through my life……
In the wee hours of my life
When I was young and very small
You came and took me by the hand
And helped my little broken heart
To hear your voice and answer the call
To hang in there no matter what
And stand tall……so I did
And so I have and that is what has worked
It would have been impossible
And never ever would have worked
If you had not come
At the worst time
At the height of the crime
When all was so dirty and sublime
And taking my hand, so gently
You became the one
Who always sees me through
So Jesus all I can ever do is
Thank and praise you.

asa

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Status Quo

Would you love me?
If I told you I was gay?
Or would you look at me
In shocked disbelief,
With nothing more to say?
Would it turn your opinion of me
Like night turns to day?
Or would you say
You always kinda knew.
Then why the dirty jokes
And devilish remarks
That hurts my heart
And makes me blue,
And makes me wonder
If I can ever trust you.
Would you appreciate my honesty?
Would you consider it integrity?
Would you grasp my deep respect?
For both God and man,
In my need to be real and true
And honest about who I am?
Or would you judge me infidel
And turn you back on me
And see me only as another
Little Boy Blue
Lost in the shuffle
And the hustle and bustle.
Now just one of the meaningless
Things in your life. Rejected!
Or, would you try?
Would you try and understand?
Would you stand with me?
Or would you just let fear
And insecurity mold you…..
Into the “Status Quo?”

asa

a tribute to my father, my family and my legacy……….and to honesty and the courage to be real and to be like God our Father…….to just be who we are so we can become who we will be…….
And thanks to Eugene Field who wrote the poem “Little Boy Blue” which has long touched my heart, made me cry and remember my lost little boy and to appreciate every moment with the people I love and respect and to accept them all just for who they are and nothing more……let God handle the rest…….

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Never Give Up

Are you broken hearted?

Feeling lonely, down and blue?

Has life become too hard?

Now you don’t know what to do.

Are you disillusioned

By disappointment?

Battered by despair.

Have you lost the joy

Of contentment?

Has life turned out

To seem most unfair?

Do you matter?

Do I matter?

As the wheels of providence

Keep turning and turning

And the sands of time

Trickle down and those

Who are sad?

Just keep getting sadder

And this life keeps churning and burning,

Running our hearts down

Deep into the ground……don’t give up!

Look up!  Look around!

Plainly it can be seen

Many a wounded soul has seen

This world can be mean.

Unbending.

Especially for the brokenhearted

Lonely, drifting souls, like ours.

But know one thing is true.

We are not alone,

Many are there like us,

Many are they who are in need.

So many lonely ones, like us

Whose hearts bleed, and agonize,

Longing to belong, to commune, to fraternize

With those who understand.

Life is hard.

Many hearts are shattered, scattered

Like earthen jars, clay pots

Smashed on the sidewalk of life

And treaded under foot,

Discarded and alone, until……

The Master comes along

And gathers all the pieces of our

Shattered hearts, stained glass

Molded into a rainbow of illumination

And blended into a new creation of love

Fired in the furnace of suffering, rejection

And affliction…..out of the ashes

Arises beauty…..a seed dead in the ground

Becomes a huge, wise old tree.

Never give up, let the travail

Give birth to the new……

Let you heartbroken suffering and rejection

Become the foundation

On which a better future is built.

 

asa

 

 

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Merry Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas to all and may this be a great and blessed day for all.  Here we are again, it’s Christmas and a lot has happened since Christmas was here last.  There is much to be thankful for and  some tears shed as well during this past year and now as we near the new year we can only hope and pray for the best as we brace for all possibilities.

It is a beautiful, quiet Christmas morning here in eastern NC at 8:30 am.  It’s chilly and gray outside, a wintry morning for sure, just right for Christmas morning.  I was up early firing up the kerosene heaters and getting the coffee started in our new coffee pot, a gift to ourselves since our old pot started  to fail.

Thanks to Walmart and their offers we were able to have a nice Christmas and with work picking up some we may actually be able to pay for it.  Time will tell.  The world of construction has not been all that great these past 5 or 6 years and we have had to do without a lot but God has provided in some amazing and mysterious ways and these hard times have taught us some valuable lessons on faith.

I am so blessed this Christmas to have been able to bless my wife and young 15 year old daughter with lap top computers.  They have waited patiently for a long time for this moment to come and to have finally been able to pull it off is an amazing feeling.  Truly it is better to give than to receive.  To see the surprise and glee as the awareness sets in that it really is true.  Now they are both at the kitchen bar working on them and setting them up.

My Christmas blessings are having a new grand son and having my wife here with me still.  I almost lost her on Saturday morning,  October 13^th, when her car was tee boned on the passenger side by a tractor trailer.  The car was destroyed as it rolled over three or four times after being slammed into full force.  She was trapped in the car, upside down and unconscious with a serious head injury, bleeding everywhere but thanks to those around was rescued and air-lifted to the nearest trauma center 60 miles away.  All I can do is thank God over and over again.  She was hurt but thankfully not killed, everyone who saw the car said it was a miracle that she is alive.  All the rescue workers who put her in the helicopter that day thought it was curtains for her and were pleasantly surprised later the hear she survived.  To think, our grandson was born September 10^th and I almost lost her a month later.  I love him so and am so so glad that my wife gets to be here with him.  My best Christmas ever!!!!

She is recovering well now from all her injuries and we are able to have a wonderful holiday because of that. We know a lot of families this year have suffered tragedies that have forever altered their lives.  We understand this completely as each Christmas for the past 24 years, since we lost our son Ryan we see the empty spot his sweet little blond head should occupy and how the loss has  grown over the years.  Now he would be 30 years old.  I can only imagine what could have been, and I do, and shed tears over it even after all these years.  The loss never goes away, it just grows and we adjust, trusting God each day with it all because we truly believe that He knows best sometimes allows very painful, hard to deal with experiences in the lives of His children.

Still I praise Him and celebrate the birth of His Son Jesus each year and I give gifts to honor the giving of gifts to the Christ child each year.  I love God. I love Jesus and I love my family, friends and people all around.  May God Bless You All!!!  MERRY CHRISTMAS 2012

love and peace, to all and comfort to all those who mourn this year, you are in my heart and in my prayers. asa

photo by: asa

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Love and Loss

Love and loss.  To have loved and lost is better than never having loved at all.  This is a true statement but one that pains the heart all the same.  I remember losing my first love Julie when her and her family moved away when I was 14.  I was heartbroken.  I said sad goodbyes to several other dear childhood friends who moved away also during my years in Norfolk Va.  I grew up in a Navy town and that is the way it is in Navy towns.  Not to mention the loss of many favorite pets over the years, to love animals is to suffer pain for they live such a short life.  Many are the losses suffered in the living of life, possessions, homes, and cars have a tendency to slip away.  Relationships change, children move away, relatives get old and move on and it all hurts deeply but we move on, continuing to live in the face of our pain.  Some loss is beyond comprehension.  The ability to endure comes from elsewhere, and the courage to go on is a gift from God.

In 1988 my wife and I suffered such a loss when we lost our oldest son Ryan.  He was five and it was just two days before his sixth birthday.  It was our darkest day.  Our precious little boy suffered  severe disabilities from a head injury he suffered in the past and finally he lost the fight.  He had been in and out of the hospital many times since his injury and he suffered so much.  It broke our hearts.  We suffered so much right alongside him and prayed and hoped and believed with all our hearts that he would recover and have a better life experience.  However, that was not to be here on this earth.  We never expected our prayers to be answered in such a way but they were and it took a long, long time to accept.  It is still hard sometimes.  Especially knowing what could have been and what my whole family has missed out on these past many years.  We have hope and faith and believe that we will all be reunited someday in the future but for now it is only a dream.

Loss for me is defined most powerfully by the loss of my son.  It is the measuring stick that I measure all suffering and loss by.   I know he is well and whole and enjoying life now but I still love him and miss him terribly, and always will.  I wrote this poem and posted it originally last year on the 22nd anniversary of the day Ryan was lost.  All the losses I have suffered have hurt in varying degrees but nothing compares with the loss of my son.  I know many have suffered this kind of loss and I am sorry for that.  My youngest son Nathan is a Marine so my family and I share the pain and fear of losing a child all over again along with so many other service members families who are deployed overseas right now.  I pray every day for my son Nate and all others deployed and their families.  So I share this here in response to the Gooseberry Garden Poetry blog invitation and I hope it blesses someone.  Thanks.

asa

“Birthday Party In Heaven”

 

It was a day of dark sadness

and also a day of misplaced joy

we were so broken hearted

the day we lost our little boy.

However the angels

up in heaven were singing

a song of jubilation

for their heartfelt prayers

had finally been answered

and they were granted

their grand celebration

of you our broken wounded

little five year old boy

who suffered so much

during your time on earth

but those angels in heaven

sure knew your worth

they couldn’t stand

to see you suffer any more

they insisted that you

not have to suffer any more

they so desperately

wanted you to have

a much bigger better day

so they begged and pleaded

with the king on the throne

and He agreed with them

and brought you home

and to your fair glory

on top of our deep pain

in spite of the agony

and raw viciousness

that broke our young hearts

and fused our reeling brains

we shed crocodile tears

while you left us here

to go and get ready

for the biggest event

of your entire life

where there were so

many, many, many presents

that they needed a big, big tent.

But we were left to bear

our great pain and deep sorrow

they get to have you today

while we have to wait

for that long off tomorrow

that left behind the long ago

yesterday that lives in our hearts

this day twenty two years ago at

9: 05 am Sunday August 1988

you had to go to the party

no, no you could not be late

and since your sixth birthday

was just two days away

you had to go right then

you knew you could not stay

so that was it and off you went

to your most important day

dear sweet precious Ryan

our beautiful little boy

you know that you

our fabulous little joy

was heaven sent

and taken back again

in the blink of an eye

suddenly all that was left

were the tears that we cry

and it was then

in that moment that we knew

just how much we really love you.

When the Lord came, reached out

His hand and closed the book

we did not even get a chance

for one last kiss nor one last look

of our dear sweet precious little lamb

so go in peace our dear son

may your journey be light

and may you be well fed

may the sun shine always

on you shoulders

may you always be well read

and may the blessings of the king

fall upon your table and

reign down upon your head

like precious wine and ointment

and priceless broken bread.

asa

photos; internet

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Chains

 

Cast off the artificial feelings

of the body and the mind

induced by frivolous delicacy’s

that numb the pain but leave behind

scars and wounds, lessons of sorrows

that litter the path of yesterday

and wait for us in our tomorrows

walking in the valley of tears

searching, for the Lord of the Valleys

full of agony ravaged by fear

dreams of freedom overflow in feelings

too hard to face, too easy to run

disgraced, away from the ones

who can help find the path of conviction

free from the addiction

of instant gratifications

false elation, spiritual frustration

that is no substitute for love

thirsty and hungry, desperate inside

looking for the answers

where dreams have died

and hope is gone, all is lost

and at the highest price

the ultimate cost, is paid

salvation comes when pain surrounds

and sorrows drown your soul

foundation laid, rebuild anew

the life shattered and crushed

by the viciousness of life

in a world filled with cruelty

and left to fate, rising

above the bitterness and the hate

facing the pain with arms wide open

letting the tears of truth wash away

all the lies of self hatred

and cleanse the wounds inflicted

by the chains that bind

the broken hearts of the ones

trapped in the world of the addicted.

asa

photos; internet

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how can this be?

 

how did it ever, ever

get to be this way

what could anyone,

anywhere possibly say

to a child who has to

pick his crumbs from

out of the dirt

while wars rage on

and billions are spent

in the business of hurt

we lock our possessions

up so very tight

and send the homeless poor

out into the night

to fend for themselves

in a world full of hate

where living and dying

are all left to fate

as prophets of doom

say that all is well

while all that is sacred

is condemned into hell

in a hand basket on

a bright sunny

Sunday afternoon

where lies are the truth

and truth is banished

and put away,

saved, I suppose

for some far off rainy day

when all hope is lost

and we finally

count the cost

asa

images; internet

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Tradition

Do you think you know me?

Do I think you really care?

Am I not just another notch

on your super spiritual gun?

Scoring Holy ego points

using God’s own Son, crying

Freedom, freedom in the Spirit

While men reign in total control.

Whipping up an emotional frenzy

Junkies high on too much spirit juice

pushing hard making things happen

but never wanting to let loose

of what’s real and what’s

so desperately needed.

So many broken hearted ones,

who simply come to heal and pray.

Yet they are the very ones

that you all manipulate away.

They only came to hear God say

I love you my dear child,

I am so very fond of you

don’t run, please, please stay.

But it is so, so hard to love those

who you cannot control, Isn’t it?

Yet there is so much that needs to be done

to help these broken ones get whole.

Have you ever walked in their shoes,

have you felt the depths of untold pain?

Have you ever seen the blood

as it drips crimson from our veins?

Well, He sees and He knows,

and He draws very near

to these humble broken souls.

His spirit of compassion is on the rise

to the religious spirits total demise.

I know many of you cast away

the shattered, ravaged hearts

of the ones He sends your way.

For often I have heard it said

from those who are completely undone,

that when they came for acceptance

all they got was shunned,

over and over again by the ones

who are supposed to be there

to guide them.

asa

 

 

awards from Jingle, thank you Jingle

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Happy Birthday Ana!

Sometimes in life it seems

That just when special times are done

They begin again

A gift is given

A baby is born

A little girl grows

As her father watches in awe

Such a joyous daughter

Heaven sent, my shining star

Whose light shines bright

In the hearts of those who know You

Dear, delightful Ana, splendid girl

Now fourteen years have past

It’s Birthday time again

So to you Dear Precious One

With love and joy in my heart

I celebrate you my youngest child

I lift you up with hope and prayer

May all your days be filled

With love, joy and happiness

As all my days with you have been

I hope you know forever

How I love you with all my heart

Happy Birthday Ana!!!!!

May it be one of many

May they all be blessed

Beyond all your imagination

May the Lord bless you and keep you

May His face shine upon you

May your heart be ever true

You are such a beautiful girl

I anticipate the wonderful

Woman you are about to become

And the wonderful future

That stands poised before you

Know that you will always be loved

And that I will always

Stand behind you and support you

Be strong and independent

Learn to take care of yourself

Before you need someone to

Take care of you

You are so talented, and bright

The world is your oyster

Find your pearl of priceless value

Above all let compassion and love

Be your guide across the landscape of life

Be passionate in your dreams

Treat others with kindness

Make your mark in life

By the woman you become

And not what you have or accomplish

You are so special

You have such a big heart

It will take you far

If you live your life in love.

Congratulations on fourteen

Fabulous years my sweet, beloved daughter.

I love you for ever

Happy Birthday

love daddy

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