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Posts Tagged ‘Poetry’

alan 3

Nothing More

 

desire and reality

I do not desire reality

it is only a painful burden

that amplifies the gap

between desire and my reality

only in escaping reality

can I bear this agonizing burden

of the sorowful reality I must bear

so I escape, I disconnect

I dissociate myself from myself

I lose myself, lose the now

I’m not sure if I remember how

or who I am?

or what I am?

Why am I?

Why do I cry so much?

Am I my heavenly fathers son?

Or just a product of my earthly fathers

Brokenness!!??

wanttodiewanttodiewanttodie

broken, I am broken, so broken

broken heart, broken soul, broken spirit

a broken nothingness

worthless to reality

nothing at all to desire!!!!!

the last one picked

but the first one picked on

at home or at school

Rag-doll, Rag doll

floppy old Rag-doll

made like a rag, used and tossed around

servant slave, nothing more, not son

use me abuse me like a sissy whore

please don’t, please do,

I deserve it, I do, says you,

for what I do?to you?to me? y

Shadowmonster says so cause

he can bend desire and reality

into, nothing more, than constantly

waking up into a 50 year old night mare

for the encore…….close the door, nothing more,

darkness……fear, and waiting for the reality……….

to please end.

 

asa

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Love and loss.  To have loved and lost is better than never having loved at all.  This is a true statement but one that pains the heart all the same.  I remember losing my first love Julie when her and her family moved away when I was 14.  I was heartbroken.  I said sad goodbyes to several other dear childhood friends who moved away also during my years in Norfolk Va.  I grew up in a Navy town and that is the way it is in Navy towns.  Not to mention the loss of many favorite pets over the years, to love animals is to suffer pain for they live such a short life.  Many are the losses suffered in the living of life, possessions, homes, and cars have a tendency to slip away.  Relationships change, children move away, relatives get old and move on and it all hurts deeply but we move on, continuing to live in the face of our pain.  Some loss is beyond comprehension.  The ability to endure comes from elsewhere, and the courage to go on is a gift from God.

In 1988 my wife and I suffered such a loss when we lost our oldest son Ryan.  He was five and it was just two days before his sixth birthday.  It was our darkest day.  Our precious little boy suffered  severe disabilities from a head injury he suffered in the past and finally he lost the fight.  He had been in and out of the hospital many times since his injury and he suffered so much.  It broke our hearts.  We suffered so much right alongside him and prayed and hoped and believed with all our hearts that he would recover and have a better life experience.  However, that was not to be here on this earth.  We never expected our prayers to be answered in such a way but they were and it took a long, long time to accept.  It is still hard sometimes.  Especially knowing what could have been and what my whole family has missed out on these past many years.  We have hope and faith and believe that we will all be reunited someday in the future but for now it is only a dream.

Loss for me is defined most powerfully by the loss of my son.  It is the measuring stick that I measure all suffering and loss by.   I know he is well and whole and enjoying life now but I still love him and miss him terribly, and always will.  I wrote this poem and posted it originally last year on the 22nd anniversary of the day Ryan was lost.  All the losses I have suffered have hurt in varying degrees but nothing compares with the loss of my son.  I know many have suffered this kind of loss and I am sorry for that.  My youngest son Nathan is a Marine so my family and I share the pain and fear of losing a child all over again along with so many other service members families who are deployed overseas right now.  I pray every day for my son Nate and all others deployed and their families.  So I share this here in response to the Gooseberry Garden Poetry blog invitation and I hope it blesses someone.  Thanks.

asa

“Birthday Party In Heaven”

 

It was a day of dark sadness

and also a day of misplaced joy

we were so broken hearted

the day we lost our little boy.

However the angels

up in heaven were singing

a song of jubilation

for their heartfelt prayers

had finally been answered

and they were granted

their grand celebration

of you our broken wounded

little five year old boy

who suffered so much

during your time on earth

but those angels in heaven

sure knew your worth

they couldn’t stand

to see you suffer any more

they insisted that you

not have to suffer any more

they so desperately

wanted you to have

a much bigger better day

so they begged and pleaded

with the king on the throne

and He agreed with them

and brought you home

and to your fair glory

on top of our deep pain

in spite of the agony

and raw viciousness

that broke our young hearts

and fused our reeling brains

we shed crocodile tears

while you left us here

to go and get ready

for the biggest event

of your entire life

where there were so

many, many, many presents

that they needed a big, big tent.

But we were left to bear

our great pain and deep sorrow

they get to have you today

while we have to wait

for that long off tomorrow

that left behind the long ago

yesterday that lives in our hearts

this day twenty two years ago at

9: 05 am Sunday August 1988

you had to go to the party

no, no you could not be late

and since your sixth birthday

was just two days away

you had to go right then

you knew you could not stay

so that was it and off you went

to your most important day

dear sweet precious Ryan

our beautiful little boy

you know that you

our fabulous little joy

was heaven sent

and taken back again

in the blink of an eye

suddenly all that was left

were the tears that we cry

and it was then

in that moment that we knew

just how much we really love you.

When the Lord came, reached out

His hand and closed the book

we did not even get a chance

for one last kiss nor one last look

of our dear sweet precious little lamb

so go in peace our dear son

may your journey be light

and may you be well fed

may the sun shine always

on you shoulders

may you always be well read

and may the blessings of the king

fall upon your table and

reign down upon your head

like precious wine and ointment

and priceless broken bread.

asa

photos; internet

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God please help!

 

how did it ever, ever

get to be this way

what could anyone,

anywhere possibly say

to a child who has to

pick his crumbs from

out of the dirt

while wars rage on

and billions are spent

in the business of hurt

we lock our possessions

up so very tight

and send the homeless poor

out into the night

to fend for themselves

in a world full of hate

where living and dying

are all left to fate

as prophets of doom

say that all is well

while all that is sacred

is condemned into hell

in a hand basket on

a bright sunny

Sunday afternoon

where lies are the truth

and truth is banished

and put away,

saved, I suppose

for some far off rainy day

when all hope is lost

and we finally

count the cost

asa

different 2

images; internet

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different 2

What is wrong with being different?

Why do we all have to be the same?

So much to be said about individuality

But you just try!

You’ll see who gets the blame

Why so many stereotypes?

In their neat little boxes and paper bags

Are we so quickly and neatly summed up?

In single file categories, straight lines, plain flags

Color blind ideas in a Rainbow world

Fear, walls and divisions, human traditions

Where bigotry stands behind twisted pickets and lies

With blood stained hands creating hatred that is hurled

At people like you and I, just people, folks, you and I

Whose right is it to make us cry

Just because we are who we are

Do we have to kill ourselves?

Or be drug behind someone’s car?

Or beat to a pulp and left for dead

Just one more fallen star?

Just get the message! Be different……

…..at your own risk….

Go, but not too far, take your chances,

But be willing to bear your scars

Love is by far the one and only way

Still, every rose has it’s thorn

Often even in love there is a painful price to pay.

asa

different 1

photos: internet

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The Unbee Tree

The Unbee Tree

rests deep in the wood

where a cacophony of sound

inhales woodsy tones

rich earthy smells

that make the heart beat

and the chest swell

with all the sights

and sounds and

fragrance sweet

that make this

wondrous place

such a special treat

for all His little ones of

The Unbee Tree

sitting nestled in deep

soft luscious green grass

where His children play

and feel good all day

where never is there

a harsh word to say

where no heart is blue

and the sky is not gray

Under The Unbee Tree

boys and girls are

all safe and sound

there is no one

to hurt them and

no monsters around

no one even gets wounded

if they fall from the Unbee

Tree down onto the ground

into the soft green grassy

days of sunshine and glee

all the children are happy

all the children are free

each day anew for

each lad and lass

not a worry not a care

no school, not even a class

so frolicky free in the

warm summer sun

every day with Jesus

is going to be fun

and all the days will

soon be unending

in the eternal realm of joy

where our gentle priest king

loves and cares for each

broken little girl and boy

unkempt little ragdolls

just dying to see

what life is really like

under The Unbee Tree.

asa

My dear friend Angie likes this so much that she sent me a version from her perspective.  She lives in Washington State and I live in NC.  Here is her “The Unbee Tree” reply.

THE UNBEE TREE REPLY

♥♥♥

THE UNBEE TREE

STANDS TALL IN THE WOODS~

HE SOMETIMES WAITS A LONG TIME FOR THE MIS~UNDERSTOOD~

ARE THEY COMING TODAY? HE SAYS TO THE WIND?~

WILL THEY SIT IN MY SHADE AND CONFESS ALL THEIR SINS?~

OF COURSE THE UNBEE TREE STANDS NOT ALONE IN HIS MIGHT~

HE STANDS MAJESTIC AND TALL WITH GOD’S PROTECTIVE ANGELS

IN THE FATHER’S GLORIOUS SIGHT~

FOR THE UNBEE TREE KNOWS WHO COMES~AND FOR WHAT~AND FOR WHY~

HE STANDS STONG AND TALL LIKE BIG SOLID HUG ABSORBING ALL THEIR CRIES~

HE LISTENS INTENTLY TO THE BROKENHEARTED FILLED WITH PAIN~

HE WATCHES THE TEARS FLOW FROM THEIR LITTLE FACES LIKE RAIN~

UNBEE TREE COMFORTS THEM WITH HIS BIG BRANCES OF SHADE~

ANOTHER CREATIVE BLESSING FOR THEM~ THE MASTER HAS MADE~

THE WIND BLOWS AND WHISPERS~ITS SAFE HERE ABIDE~

JESUS IS SITTING HERE~ RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE~

THE KING OF KING’S ~THE LORD OF LORD’S ~IS HERE TODAY~

TO GUIDE YOU ~TO HOLD YOU~TO WIPE EVERY TEAR AWAY~

THERE’LL BE NO PICKERS OR STICKERS OR BEE STINGS OF SUCH~

UNDERNEATH THE UNBEE TREE YOU’RE SAFE WITHIN THE ARMS OF THE MASTER’S TOUCH

 ANGIE

8-28-10

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nothing

nothing

is as it should be

nothing

is every as it seems

when the peaceful

dreams

turn to nightmares

screams

and

the prognosis is grim

and

hope grows dim

and

for one we pray

and get our way

???????

and

for one we pray

and

he falls

anyway

???????

and

we are

left

with nothing

at all to say…….

???????

asa

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Focus Pocus

mickey-fantasia

Focus Pocus

Hocus Pocus

Magical Advice

Soaked in ice

Comes up blue

Focus Pocus

That’s what

You need to do

Change the Focus

and all ♥

Will be well

With You!

But my inner

Vision

Is blurry

Cause of

All of the tears

I’ve Cried

And I

Can’t See

My Way

Out of

The Darkness

Inside

So I wait

Humbled

And Broken

Before Him

For His

Promises

It is

All I can do

But How

Can I

Focus Pocus

Hocus Pocus

When I

Cannot

Even see

What I am

Looking at

Or why

Things are so

Blue.

asa

image; internet

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