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Posts Tagged ‘Pain’

I dream a dream of love, to be loved.
What does it mean to be loved?
What does it take to be loved?
Apparently, im not good enough to be loved?
I hate myself! It hurts so much!
Why does true love always
Put me on a shelf…..inadequate.
I search in my cherished, broken relationship
Where I find that even when im not alone
I’m still just all by myself….
My heart is so lonely because
I’ve been rejected so much
Even those close to me hesitate to touch
This breaks my heart completely
Every day I cry a river of tears
All these things that keep happening to me
Act as agents of all of my fears
So I wander listlessly through life
Rejected heart helpless and alone
Life collapsing, crushing and wounding me
I so long to go home.
But home is where your heart is
And my shattered heart is hung
On someone else’s cold decisions
As in place of love they hold me in derision
As I fear my fate and bide my time
And pray there is no permanent division.
asa

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Are you broken hearted?

Feeling lonely, down and blue?

Has life become too hard?

Now you don’t know what to do.

Are you disillusioned

By disappointment?

Battered by despair.

Have you lost the joy

Of contentment?

Has life turned out

To seem most unfair?

Do you matter?

Do I matter?

As the wheels of providence

Keep turning and turning

And the sands of time

Trickle down and those

Who are sad?

Just keep getting sadder

And this life keeps churning and burning,

Running our hearts down

Deep into the ground……don’t give up!

Look up!  Look around!

Plainly it can be seen

Many a wounded soul has seen

This world can be mean.

Unbending.

Especially for the brokenhearted

Lonely, drifting souls, like ours.

But know one thing is true.

We are not alone,

Many are there like us,

Many are they who are in need.

So many lonely ones, like us

Whose hearts bleed, and agonize,

Longing to belong, to commune, to fraternize

With those who understand.

Life is hard.

Many hearts are shattered, scattered

Like earthen jars, clay pots

Smashed on the sidewalk of life

And treaded under foot,

Discarded and alone, until……

The Master comes along

And gathers all the pieces of our

Shattered hearts, stained glass

Molded into a rainbow of illumination

And blended into a new creation of love

Fired in the furnace of suffering, rejection

And affliction…..out of the ashes

Arises beauty…..a seed dead in the ground

Becomes a huge, wise old tree.

Never give up, let the travail

Give birth to the new……

Let you heartbroken suffering and rejection

Become the foundation

On which a better future is built.

 

asa

 

 

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alan 3

Nothing More

 

desire and reality

I do not desire reality

it is only a painful burden

that amplifies the gap

between desire and my reality

only in escaping reality

can I bear this agonizing burden

of the sorowful reality I must bear

so I escape, I disconnect

I dissociate myself from myself

I lose myself, lose the now

I’m not sure if I remember how

or who I am?

or what I am?

Why am I?

Why do I cry so much?

Am I my heavenly fathers son?

Or just a product of my earthly fathers

Brokenness!!??

wanttodiewanttodiewanttodie

broken, I am broken, so broken

broken heart, broken soul, broken spirit

a broken nothingness

worthless to reality

nothing at all to desire!!!!!

the last one picked

but the first one picked on

at home or at school

Rag-doll, Rag doll

floppy old Rag-doll

made like a rag, used and tossed around

servant slave, nothing more, not son

use me abuse me like a sissy whore

please don’t, please do,

I deserve it, I do, says you,

for what I do?to you?to me? y

Shadowmonster says so cause

he can bend desire and reality

into, nothing more, than constantly

waking up into a 50 year old night mare

for the encore…….close the door, nothing more,

darkness……fear, and waiting for the reality……….

to please end.

 

asa

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Love and loss.  To have loved and lost is better than never having loved at all.  This is a true statement but one that pains the heart all the same.  I remember losing my first love Julie when her and her family moved away when I was 14.  I was heartbroken.  I said sad goodbyes to several other dear childhood friends who moved away also during my years in Norfolk Va.  I grew up in a Navy town and that is the way it is in Navy towns.  Not to mention the loss of many favorite pets over the years, to love animals is to suffer pain for they live such a short life.  Many are the losses suffered in the living of life, possessions, homes, and cars have a tendency to slip away.  Relationships change, children move away, relatives get old and move on and it all hurts deeply but we move on, continuing to live in the face of our pain.  Some loss is beyond comprehension.  The ability to endure comes from elsewhere, and the courage to go on is a gift from God.

In 1988 my wife and I suffered such a loss when we lost our oldest son Ryan.  He was five and it was just two days before his sixth birthday.  It was our darkest day.  Our precious little boy suffered  severe disabilities from a head injury he suffered in the past and finally he lost the fight.  He had been in and out of the hospital many times since his injury and he suffered so much.  It broke our hearts.  We suffered so much right alongside him and prayed and hoped and believed with all our hearts that he would recover and have a better life experience.  However, that was not to be here on this earth.  We never expected our prayers to be answered in such a way but they were and it took a long, long time to accept.  It is still hard sometimes.  Especially knowing what could have been and what my whole family has missed out on these past many years.  We have hope and faith and believe that we will all be reunited someday in the future but for now it is only a dream.

Loss for me is defined most powerfully by the loss of my son.  It is the measuring stick that I measure all suffering and loss by.   I know he is well and whole and enjoying life now but I still love him and miss him terribly, and always will.  I wrote this poem and posted it originally last year on the 22nd anniversary of the day Ryan was lost.  All the losses I have suffered have hurt in varying degrees but nothing compares with the loss of my son.  I know many have suffered this kind of loss and I am sorry for that.  My youngest son Nathan is a Marine so my family and I share the pain and fear of losing a child all over again along with so many other service members families who are deployed overseas right now.  I pray every day for my son Nate and all others deployed and their families.  So I share this here in response to the Gooseberry Garden Poetry blog invitation and I hope it blesses someone.  Thanks.

asa

“Birthday Party In Heaven”

 

It was a day of dark sadness

and also a day of misplaced joy

we were so broken hearted

the day we lost our little boy.

However the angels

up in heaven were singing

a song of jubilation

for their heartfelt prayers

had finally been answered

and they were granted

their grand celebration

of you our broken wounded

little five year old boy

who suffered so much

during your time on earth

but those angels in heaven

sure knew your worth

they couldn’t stand

to see you suffer any more

they insisted that you

not have to suffer any more

they so desperately

wanted you to have

a much bigger better day

so they begged and pleaded

with the king on the throne

and He agreed with them

and brought you home

and to your fair glory

on top of our deep pain

in spite of the agony

and raw viciousness

that broke our young hearts

and fused our reeling brains

we shed crocodile tears

while you left us here

to go and get ready

for the biggest event

of your entire life

where there were so

many, many, many presents

that they needed a big, big tent.

But we were left to bear

our great pain and deep sorrow

they get to have you today

while we have to wait

for that long off tomorrow

that left behind the long ago

yesterday that lives in our hearts

this day twenty two years ago at

9: 05 am Sunday August 1988

you had to go to the party

no, no you could not be late

and since your sixth birthday

was just two days away

you had to go right then

you knew you could not stay

so that was it and off you went

to your most important day

dear sweet precious Ryan

our beautiful little boy

you know that you

our fabulous little joy

was heaven sent

and taken back again

in the blink of an eye

suddenly all that was left

were the tears that we cry

and it was then

in that moment that we knew

just how much we really love you.

When the Lord came, reached out

His hand and closed the book

we did not even get a chance

for one last kiss nor one last look

of our dear sweet precious little lamb

so go in peace our dear son

may your journey be light

and may you be well fed

may the sun shine always

on you shoulders

may you always be well read

and may the blessings of the king

fall upon your table and

reign down upon your head

like precious wine and ointment

and priceless broken bread.

asa

photos; internet

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Chains

chains 1

 

Cast off the artificial feelings

of the body and the mind

induced by frivolous delicacy’s

that numb the pain but leave behind

scars and wounds, lessons of sorrows

that litter the path of yesterday

and wait for us in our tomorrows

walking in the valley of tears

searching, for the Lord of the Valleys

full of agony ravaged by fear

dreams of freedom overflow in feelings

too hard to face, too easy to run

disgraced, away from the ones

who can help find the path of conviction

free from the addiction

of instant gratifications

false elation, spiritual frustration

that is no substitute for love

thirsty and hungry, desperate inside

looking for the answers

where dreams have died

and hope is gone, all is lost

and at the highest price

the ultimate cost, is paid

salvation comes when pain surrounds

and sorrows drown your soul

foundation laid, rebuild anew

the life shattered and crushed

by the viciousness of life

in a world filled with cruelty

and left to fate, rising

above the bitterness and the hate

facing the pain with arms wide open

letting the tears of truth wash away

all the lies of self hatred

and cleanse the wounds inflicted

by the chains that bind

the broken hearts of the ones

trapped in the world of the addicted.

asa

chains 2

photos; internet

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Happy Birthday Ryan

hbryan

Happy Birthday Ryan

Today you would be 28

But there were places

You had to go, oh no

You could not be late

There was a party up in heaven

They had already set the date

So you were partying up in heaven

While we were weeping here on earth

To us you are so very priceless

But the Angels knew your real worth

So we said our sad goodbyes

And settled for crocodile tears

On each of these, your birthdays

Throughout all the long years

We love you so very much

You are such a special joy

And each year on you birthday

We’ll celebrate you; our

bright and shining little boy

Our radiant little fallen star

Oh how we miss your light so bright

But know dear son, you are never far

From your parents heart come day or night!

The gifts were all wrapped

All preparations made with care

For your sixth birthday celebration

How could we ever know

That you would not be there!

The gifts remained unopened

All careful plans were laid aside

Instead of a joyous day of life

We cried and cried and cried

Then we attended your funeral

Instead of your party

All decked out with toys

All things bright and wonderful

For a bright and shining little boy!

You now are a full grown man

In another time and place

We will forever love you and cry

Until that day we can see your face!

♥♥♥♥♥♥

I love you and I miss you

I just want you to know

I wish you were still here

I never wanted to let you to go.

Happy 28th Birthday Ryan!

asa

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nothing

nothing

is as it should be

nothing

is every as it seems

when the peaceful

dreams

turn to nightmares

screams

and

the prognosis is grim

and

hope grows dim

and

for one we pray

and get our way

???????

and

for one we pray

and

he falls

anyway

???????

and

we are

left

with nothing

at all to say…….

???????

asa

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August Sons Shine

Ryan and Nathan

a thrill, a joy

and a stab

like a knife

a twist in the back

the loss of life

one son given

one taken back

memories and a dream

all came in

August turned black

a month so filled

with family trust

love and joy

pain and grief

and sadness too

So glad that

You are here

with us

and an I miss

you forever

from us too

all so joyous

and grievous

all in the

month of August

I love you

My Sons

You are so

Very very dear

and I desperately

Need you both

Forever!

Happy Birthday

my fine August sons

one an angel in heaven

and one an angel

here on earth.

I love you both

You know you make this

Father’s heart glow!

asa

♥♥♥♥

August 30, 1982 Ryan

August 19, 1988 Nathan

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eradicators of childhood

tormentors of the soul

invisible monsters

only children can behold

unburied forgotten horrors

revealing memories unfold

villainous betrayal and denial

precious innocence lost

vicious secrecy covers evil

so ancient and old

as to be no more; but still

the story remains untold

warring against the children

praying upon their fears

following them into adulthood

choking them on the tears

of the truth lodged

in the back of our throats

trying to bury the memories

using minutes as miles for

distance from the evil encounters

pretending through the years

like they never were

but the future is the past

and the numbness never lasts

and the demons come home

to the children of the past

and the grownups

always deny they are there

am I crazy or what?

to believe this awful nightmare

hanging in sub consciousness

something quite unfair is

lurking in the shadows

ever drawing me into

the dank misty lair

of evil recollections

too hard to accept

too hard to deny

and sadly

as I grow older

they come back to me

crawling up from the mire

monstrously hideous creatures

coming back to remind me

that they are still there

waiting hungrily

with venomous fangs dripping

innocents blood

to finish the job

started long ago

for years the past escaped me

only to once again embrace me

in the icy steel grip of reminiscence

as it dawned on me again

and I remembered the evil

and the life long consequences

and all that has been lost

never to be regained

and that they still

hide in the shadows

their voices on the wind

mask in the familiars

calling the children

and luring them in

the pool of functional insanity

preying upon their innocence

fueled by all the fears

living with life long sadness

ever pulled by the madness and fear

of the ones who feed upon

the vulnerability of youth

I remember them! Do You?

asa

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When I was 10

When I was ten so way back when

My life was very much different

It was matchbox cars and army forts

Skinned up knees ‘neath cut off shorts

Bright summer fun, gray winters glee

Snowfall and football, shimming up a tree

Toasty warm fire on cold winters eve

Raking and diving into falls Amber leaves

Running through back yards

climbing over fences

Fighting off the enemy from the ditches

That we called trenches

Zooming by on my Spider bike

Close behind Joe, Ray and Mike

Chasing after shadows,

The wispy trail of fantasies

Or running from a monster

Whose spreading a disease

School was there too but

We paid it little attention

It was just one of those things

that did not get much mention

When daydreams were reality

And grownups could not see

The ‘real’ things that surrounded us

They said it couldn’t be but kids know better

Oh what feelings these memories do bring me

They take me back to a place so long ago

For so many years these memories escaped me

Now it seems I’m stuck back there

So way back when I was just ten

And my life was very much different…………..

 

1970_Schwinn_Orange_Krate1

deeper still the memories do slide

back to tears so long ago cried

pain and fear that I hoped I had hid

comes pouring out from within the kid I was

When I was ten so way back when

My life was very much different

I heard angry words, saw tantrums and fits

Viciousness shattered my tiny heart into bits

There were spiteful glares and hateful looks

I so often ran and hid in my books

ridicule, teasing, slander and so much more

unspeakable acts on the other side of the door

At the top of the stairs I heard things said

That made me so sad that I wished I were dead

So way back when I was ten

And my life was very much different

She told me you loved me but how could that be?

Considering all the evil things you did to me

You took immense pleasure in hurting me

I’m really very sorry that I have been so bad

You know I tried EVERYTHING to make you glad!

Grumbling, gripping,yelling and fussing

Raging,smashing, hurting me and cussing

Glaring hot, angry, hateful vicious eyes

Looking, piercing, scaring me, Why, Why, Why???

Why did you put that shame on my face?

Why do I feel like such a disgrace?

Why did you act so disgustingly with me

when I was so very young?

Why did you always lash out at me

with such an abusive tongue?

Why did you always strike out at me

with such an abusive hand?

Why did you always hate me

so way back when I was ten?

Why did you like misusing and mishandling me

so much, way back when I was only ten?

asa

 

image by asa (bike pic is a 1970 Schwinn from an add, I had this bike only Starburst )

 

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