Please

I dream a dream of love, to be loved.
What does it mean to be loved?
What does it take to be loved?
Apparently, im not good enough to be loved?
I hate myself! It hurts so much!
Why does true love always
Put me on a shelf…..inadequate.
I search in my cherished, broken relationship
Where I find that even when im not alone
I’m still just all by myself….
My heart is so lonely because
I’ve been rejected so much
Even those close to me hesitate to touch
This breaks my heart completely
Every day I cry a river of tears
All these things that keep happening to me
Act as agents of all of my fears
So I wander listlessly through life
Rejected heart helpless and alone
Life collapsing, crushing and wounding me
I so long to go home.
But home is where your heart is
And my shattered heart is hung
On someone else’s cold decisions
As in place of love they hold me in derision
As I fear my fate and bide my time
And pray there is no permanent division.
asa

The Sidewalk Revisited

On this sidewalk I did walk, again
Now that I am much older
I returned one sunny day out of the blue
To see if I could feel again
What I did all those years ago
Things have changed, but not much
As I remembered the walks I made
On these concrete squares
During those early years of my life.
I remembered once again, how
In that mystical way you came
And took my hand and started
To walk me through my life……
In the wee hours of my life
When I was young and very small
You came and took me by the hand
And helped my little broken heart
To hear your voice and answer the call
To hang in there no matter what
And stand tall……so I did
And so I have and that is what has worked
It would have been impossible
And never ever would have worked
If you had not come
At the worst time
At the height of the crime
When all was so dirty and sublime
And taking my hand, so gently
You became the one
Who always sees me through
So Jesus all I can ever do is
Thank and praise you.

asa

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The Sidewalk

I went back yesterday and walked down this sidewalk again after over 30 years. It was a crazy feeling, and I remembered a lot….helps me make peace with myself and my past as I get older. It was surreal.

A Beachcomber's Reflections

on this sidewalk i did walk

when i was very young

at dusk each evening when

the eerie branches rustled

i made the trip alone

mom would stand at the door

of our house this much

i knew to be the truth

but when you are six

and there are rustling styx

in makes your blood run cold

i restrained myself

from the fear!

i did not run

from the terror!

i kept my chin up instead

for You kept me

from coming undone

i kept my pace because

You held my hand

each step of the way

there and back again

and i knew for eternity

that You would

never forget me

only four houses and

two long lonely sidewalks

i made this familiar journey

to the church where

my mother sent me

i do not remember much

other than cookies and snacks

and that you always

went with…

View original post 12 more words

Status Quo

Would you love me?
If I told you I was gay?
Or would you look at me
In shocked disbelief,
With nothing more to say?
Would it turn your opinion of me
Like night turns to day?
Or would you say
You always kinda knew.
Then why the dirty jokes
And devilish remarks
That hurts my heart
And makes me blue,
And makes me wonder
If I can ever trust you.
Would you appreciate my honesty?
Would you consider it integrity?
Would you grasp my deep respect?
For both God and man,
In my need to be real and true
And honest about who I am?
Or would you judge me infidel
And turn you back on me
And see me only as another
Little Boy Blue
Lost in the shuffle
And the hustle and bustle.
Now just one of the meaningless
Things in your life. Rejected!
Or, would you try?
Would you try and understand?
Would you stand with me?
Or would you just let fear
And insecurity mold you…..
Into the “Status Quo?”

asa

a tribute to my father, my family and my legacy……….and to honesty and the courage to be real and to be like God our Father…….to just be who we are so we can become who we will be…….
And thanks to Eugene Field who wrote the poem “Little Boy Blue” which has long touched my heart, made me cry and remember my lost little boy and to appreciate every moment with the people I love and respect and to accept them all just for who they are and nothing more……let God handle the rest…….

dare to be different

A Beachcomber's Reflections

What is wrong with being different?

Why do we all have to be the same?

So much to be said about individuality

But you just try!

You’ll see who gets the blame

Why so many stereotypes?

In their neat little boxes and paper bags

Are we so quickly and neatly summed up?

In single file categories, straight lines, plain flags

Color blind ideas in a Rainbow world

Fear, walls and divisions, human traditions

Where bigotry stands behind twisted pickets and lies

With blood stained hands creating hatred that is hurled

At people like you and I, just people, folks, you and I

Whose right is it to make us cry

Just because we are who we are

Do we have to kill ourselves?

Or be drug behind someone’s car?

Or beat to a pulp and left for dead

Just one more fallen star?

Just get the message! Be different……

…..at…

View original post 47 more words

Never Give Up

Are you broken hearted?

Feeling lonely, down and blue?

Has life become too hard?

Now you don’t know what to do.

Are you disillusioned

By disappointment?

Battered by despair.

Have you lost the joy

Of contentment?

Has life turned out

To seem most unfair?

Do you matter?

Do I matter?

As the wheels of providence

Keep turning and turning

And the sands of time

Trickle down and those

Who are sad?

Just keep getting sadder

And this life keeps churning and burning,

Running our hearts down

Deep into the ground……don’t give up!

Look up!  Look around!

Plainly it can be seen

Many a wounded soul has seen

This world can be mean.

Unbending.

Especially for the brokenhearted

Lonely, drifting souls, like ours.

But know one thing is true.

We are not alone,

Many are there like us,

Many are they who are in need.

So many lonely ones, like us

Whose hearts bleed, and agonize,

Longing to belong, to commune, to fraternize

With those who understand.

Life is hard.

Many hearts are shattered, scattered

Like earthen jars, clay pots

Smashed on the sidewalk of life

And treaded under foot,

Discarded and alone, until……

The Master comes along

And gathers all the pieces of our

Shattered hearts, stained glass

Molded into a rainbow of illumination

And blended into a new creation of love

Fired in the furnace of suffering, rejection

And affliction…..out of the ashes

Arises beauty…..a seed dead in the ground

Becomes a huge, wise old tree.

Never give up, let the travail

Give birth to the new……

Let you heartbroken suffering and rejection

Become the foundation

On which a better future is built.

 

asa

 

 

Nothing More

Nothing More

 

desire and reality

I do not desire reality

it is only a painful burden

that amplifies the gap

between desire and my reality

only in escaping reality

can I bear this agonizing burden

of the sorowful reality I must bear

so I escape, I disconnect

I dissociate myself from myself

I lose myself, lose the now

I’m not sure if I remember how

or who I am?

or what I am?

Why am I?

Why do I cry so much?

Am I my heavenly fathers son?

Or just a product of my earthly fathers

Brokenness!!??

wanttodiewanttodiewanttodie

broken, I am broken, so broken

broken heart, broken soul, broken spirit

a broken nothingness

worthless to reality

nothing at all to desire!!!!!

the last one picked

but the first one picked on

at home or at school

Rag-doll, Rag doll

floppy old Rag-doll

made like a rag, used and tossed around

servant slave, nothing more, not son

use me abuse me like a sissy whore

please don’t, please do,

I deserve it, I do, says you,

for what I do?to you?to me? y

Shadowmonster says so cause

he can bend desire and reality

into, nothing more, than constantly

waking up into a 50 year old night mare

for the encore…….close the door, nothing more,

darkness……fear, and waiting for the reality……….

to please end.

 

asa

Merry Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas to all and may this be a great and blessed day for all.  Here we are again, it’s Christmas and a lot has happened since Christmas was here last.  There is much to be thankful for and  some tears shed as well during this past year and now as we near the new year we can only hope and pray for the best as we brace for all possibilities.

It is a beautiful, quiet Christmas morning here in eastern NC at 8:30 am.  It’s chilly and gray outside, a wintry morning for sure, just right for Christmas morning.  I was up early firing up the kerosene heaters and getting the coffee started in our new coffee pot, a gift to ourselves since our old pot started  to fail.

Thanks to Walmart and their offers we were able to have a nice Christmas and with work picking up some we may actually be able to pay for it.  Time will tell.  The world of construction has not been all that great these past 5 or 6 years and we have had to do without a lot but God has provided in some amazing and mysterious ways and these hard times have taught us some valuable lessons on faith.

I am so blessed this Christmas to have been able to bless my wife and young 15 year old daughter with lap top computers.  They have waited patiently for a long time for this moment to come and to have finally been able to pull it off is an amazing feeling.  Truly it is better to give than to receive.  To see the surprise and glee as the awareness sets in that it really is true.  Now they are both at the kitchen bar working on them and setting them up.

My Christmas blessings are having a new grand son and having my wife here with me still.  I almost lost her on Saturday morning,  October 13^th, when her car was tee boned on the passenger side by a tractor trailer.  The car was destroyed as it rolled over three or four times after being slammed into full force.  She was trapped in the car, upside down and unconscious with a serious head injury, bleeding everywhere but thanks to those around was rescued and air-lifted to the nearest trauma center 60 miles away.  All I can do is thank God over and over again.  She was hurt but thankfully not killed, everyone who saw the car said it was a miracle that she is alive.  All the rescue workers who put her in the helicopter that day thought it was curtains for her and were pleasantly surprised later the hear she survived.  To think, our grandson was born September 10^th and I almost lost her a month later.  I love him so and am so so glad that my wife gets to be here with him.  My best Christmas ever!!!!

She is recovering well now from all her injuries and we are able to have a wonderful holiday because of that. We know a lot of families this year have suffered tragedies that have forever altered their lives.  We understand this completely as each Christmas for the past 24 years, since we lost our son Ryan we see the empty spot his sweet little blond head should occupy and how the loss has  grown over the years.  Now he would be 30 years old.  I can only imagine what could have been, and I do, and shed tears over it even after all these years.  The loss never goes away, it just grows and we adjust, trusting God each day with it all because we truly believe that He knows best sometimes allows very painful, hard to deal with experiences in the lives of His children.

Still I praise Him and celebrate the birth of His Son Jesus each year and I give gifts to honor the giving of gifts to the Christ child each year.  I love God. I love Jesus and I love my family, friends and people all around.  May God Bless You All!!!  MERRY CHRISTMAS 2012

love and peace, to all and comfort to all those who mourn this year, you are in my heart and in my prayers. asa

photo by: asa

Happy July

Happy July, and Happy Independance Day 2012!.  Wow! Nine months without one single blog entry. My journal is the same way, not many entries over the past 8 months or so. More there than here though. I hope I can turn that around soon because I miss writing and I need to write. I love to write. What I love to do most in life is writing, listening to and playing music and reading, collecting and selling books. Now if I could find a way to make those things my mainstays in life. At this point the income I get from writing, playing music and selling books is very limited. My main source of income right now is electrical work and I have made some money scraping metal when ever that come available. So in the past five years I went from being a professional with a real job to where I am now. I used to believe that I had it all worked out. My future looked bright. Then the economic tide started to change. I went from being a man who always had work and a decent income for an electrician in eastern NC, to a man always searching for (and often not finding) ways to make some sort of income. Some say the economic crisis is passing but not here in my house or in my county. I’m writing this while I wait for a call for some work for today and possibly tomorrow and I have another load of scarp the take to the scrap yard. Other than that all I have is faith and it’s been sorely tested these past years, but God has held me together.

I suppose depression has played a big part in my struggle to write. So many different hurts in my life and they have all found a way to come to the surface over these past few years. As I started off with the beachcomber idea as a part of the internet business venture that my wife has been involved in I never knew what all I would dredge up. I was thinking of finding books and other treasures to sell as a part of her networking not digging up long buried wounds and sorrows of the past. I guess being striped of my job and all its so called importance reduced me back to what I really am, and that has been hard to face.

The one thing good about all the time I have missed from work is the fact that  I have become part of a band over the past year or so and have made some good friends and had some fun practicing and playing music out in several different venues.  I hope we can continue to grow and will get the chance to play some more gigs soon.  Music and friend ship have been one of the best medicines for dealing with hardship and depression.   Better than therapy.

So now I want to get back into more of my creativity and productivity and I am at least going to try.  I don’t care that Homer Simpson said that “trying was the first step towards failure.”  I am going to try in spite of old Homer.   I am  explore some music and poetry ideas I have had for a while now to try and expand myself.  I only hope work will not get in the way. I want to try and not get too busy but I definitely need to be busy enough to get some money. I finally have a few jobs lined up in a row. It has been a while since that has happened. It is hard work but I am thankful to have it. I just wish I could do something easier and without so much traveling. I am going to try and maintain my blog, my book store and my You-Tube account better and hopefully start to make some serious changes in my life as I approach 50 years old in just a few months.

http://www.youtube.com/user/ncbeachcombers?feature=mhee

These are my videos that I have posted for fun and to test the whole video thing out. I have a lot to learn but it is fun. So I will try and I will press on and I will try and not let my physical struggles get in the way of my muse. Being in the shape I’m in and doing electrical work is very hard and exhausting. I am glad to be posting something, finally after so long and I hope to post more soon and write some more poetry.

asa

Peter Pan Inn Vintage Restaurant Memorabilia

 

 

There was nothing like a 1970s vacation.  Especially one at the Peter Pan Inn.  It was every kids dream to go to a resort hotel and  have new experiences.  There was always a pool and game room and plenty of new halls to explore.  Especially enticing was the hotel restaurant which was know for it’s corn fritters, corn meal balls, fried and dusted with powdered sugar.  People waited in line to get in but the collection of Victorian antiques and other gaudy furnishings made waiting a feast for the eyes.  The Peter Pan Inn was known for it’s restaurant, which featured five dining rooms during its hey-day and was popular during the 70s.  but it all came to an end around Christmas 1983.

It remained closed for quite sometime before becoming the The Cracked Claw at Peter Pan Inn in the 1990s.  A lot of the dining space has been replaced by off track betting facilities but many of the old artifacts remain and you can still find corn fritters on the menu.  I’m sure many still go there just to catch a glimpse of the past.  The older I get the more I like glimpses into the past and the more past there is to glimpse back at.  I’m not sure if I like that so much, the getting older part that is.  Oh, it has it’s benefits I’m sure but getting older is not for the weak.

I have an original 1970s vintage drinking glass from the Peter Pan Inn restaurant and it is an neat collectors item.  Anyone who remembers those good old vacations of the 1960s and 70s and beyond will get a kick out of this treasure.  Like mugs, unique drinking glasses are another fun addition to the kitchen or the curio cabinet.  Special places from the past create wonderful memories and it is nice when an artifact of some by gone era finds it’s way into ones hands.

(The pictures of the dining room are from the internet, they are post cards that seem to be from different eras, I’m not sure about that, the one of the glass is from me, it’s the glass I have.)

And, in closing, as The Peter Pan Restaurant came to an end so does my relationship with the glass.  My wife Deborah and I have been cleaning out lately and now she has put the Peter Pan glass up for sale on Ebay so just if you want to buy it  just click on the picture and you can see her add.  It’s cool.  See ya soon, asa