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Posts Tagged ‘loss’

Love and loss.  To have loved and lost is better than never having loved at all.  This is a true statement but one that pains the heart all the same.  I remember losing my first love Julie when her and her family moved away when I was 14.  I was heartbroken.  I said sad goodbyes to several other dear childhood friends who moved away also during my years in Norfolk Va.  I grew up in a Navy town and that is the way it is in Navy towns.  Not to mention the loss of many favorite pets over the years, to love animals is to suffer pain for they live such a short life.  Many are the losses suffered in the living of life, possessions, homes, and cars have a tendency to slip away.  Relationships change, children move away, relatives get old and move on and it all hurts deeply but we move on, continuing to live in the face of our pain.  Some loss is beyond comprehension.  The ability to endure comes from elsewhere, and the courage to go on is a gift from God.

In 1988 my wife and I suffered such a loss when we lost our oldest son Ryan.  He was five and it was just two days before his sixth birthday.  It was our darkest day.  Our precious little boy suffered  severe disabilities from a head injury he suffered in the past and finally he lost the fight.  He had been in and out of the hospital many times since his injury and he suffered so much.  It broke our hearts.  We suffered so much right alongside him and prayed and hoped and believed with all our hearts that he would recover and have a better life experience.  However, that was not to be here on this earth.  We never expected our prayers to be answered in such a way but they were and it took a long, long time to accept.  It is still hard sometimes.  Especially knowing what could have been and what my whole family has missed out on these past many years.  We have hope and faith and believe that we will all be reunited someday in the future but for now it is only a dream.

Loss for me is defined most powerfully by the loss of my son.  It is the measuring stick that I measure all suffering and loss by.   I know he is well and whole and enjoying life now but I still love him and miss him terribly, and always will.  I wrote this poem and posted it originally last year on the 22nd anniversary of the day Ryan was lost.  All the losses I have suffered have hurt in varying degrees but nothing compares with the loss of my son.  I know many have suffered this kind of loss and I am sorry for that.  My youngest son Nathan is a Marine so my family and I share the pain and fear of losing a child all over again along with so many other service members families who are deployed overseas right now.  I pray every day for my son Nate and all others deployed and their families.  So I share this here in response to the Gooseberry Garden Poetry blog invitation and I hope it blesses someone.  Thanks.

asa

“Birthday Party In Heaven”

 

It was a day of dark sadness

and also a day of misplaced joy

we were so broken hearted

the day we lost our little boy.

However the angels

up in heaven were singing

a song of jubilation

for their heartfelt prayers

had finally been answered

and they were granted

their grand celebration

of you our broken wounded

little five year old boy

who suffered so much

during your time on earth

but those angels in heaven

sure knew your worth

they couldn’t stand

to see you suffer any more

they insisted that you

not have to suffer any more

they so desperately

wanted you to have

a much bigger better day

so they begged and pleaded

with the king on the throne

and He agreed with them

and brought you home

and to your fair glory

on top of our deep pain

in spite of the agony

and raw viciousness

that broke our young hearts

and fused our reeling brains

we shed crocodile tears

while you left us here

to go and get ready

for the biggest event

of your entire life

where there were so

many, many, many presents

that they needed a big, big tent.

But we were left to bear

our great pain and deep sorrow

they get to have you today

while we have to wait

for that long off tomorrow

that left behind the long ago

yesterday that lives in our hearts

this day twenty two years ago at

9: 05 am Sunday August 1988

you had to go to the party

no, no you could not be late

and since your sixth birthday

was just two days away

you had to go right then

you knew you could not stay

so that was it and off you went

to your most important day

dear sweet precious Ryan

our beautiful little boy

you know that you

our fabulous little joy

was heaven sent

and taken back again

in the blink of an eye

suddenly all that was left

were the tears that we cry

and it was then

in that moment that we knew

just how much we really love you.

When the Lord came, reached out

His hand and closed the book

we did not even get a chance

for one last kiss nor one last look

of our dear sweet precious little lamb

so go in peace our dear son

may your journey be light

and may you be well fed

may the sun shine always

on you shoulders

may you always be well read

and may the blessings of the king

fall upon your table and

reign down upon your head

like precious wine and ointment

and priceless broken bread.

asa

photos; internet

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Happy Birthday Ryan

hbryan

Happy Birthday Ryan

Today you would be 28

But there were places

You had to go, oh no

You could not be late

There was a party up in heaven

They had already set the date

So you were partying up in heaven

While we were weeping here on earth

To us you are so very priceless

But the Angels knew your real worth

So we said our sad goodbyes

And settled for crocodile tears

On each of these, your birthdays

Throughout all the long years

We love you so very much

You are such a special joy

And each year on you birthday

We’ll celebrate you; our

bright and shining little boy

Our radiant little fallen star

Oh how we miss your light so bright

But know dear son, you are never far

From your parents heart come day or night!

The gifts were all wrapped

All preparations made with care

For your sixth birthday celebration

How could we ever know

That you would not be there!

The gifts remained unopened

All careful plans were laid aside

Instead of a joyous day of life

We cried and cried and cried

Then we attended your funeral

Instead of your party

All decked out with toys

All things bright and wonderful

For a bright and shining little boy!

You now are a full grown man

In another time and place

We will forever love you and cry

Until that day we can see your face!

♥♥♥♥♥♥

I love you and I miss you

I just want you to know

I wish you were still here

I never wanted to let you to go.

Happy 28th Birthday Ryan!

asa

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Precious Star

Once upon a time a Star fell from the sky

A Star whose light did briefly shine

Obscured from sight, but for the few

Whose lives were blessed by one small glimpse

Of such a precious Star

That quickly passed us by.

So much was changed but how much more

Had the Star who had fallen, shined for all instead.

6 grains of sand in the hour glass of time, Oh God! So few!

Eternity, speculations, memories, so much more

but none of them free from the pain, and wonder

of how it all could have been.

You O Star so simple and polite

Free from the cares and concerns of the many

Happy to shine with love in spite of the pain

Free to fly on the wings of the wind.

How then you who made us so happy

Why are we so sad now instead.

The grief of life is the loss of  one so short,

Yet in loss you have become larger than life.

Your light shined so brightly,your flame flared up

and we all were amazed,….Then poof!! You disappeared.

Now I can only dream of the man you will become,

and wait until our time together in eternity.ilu

asa

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