Please

I dream a dream of love, to be loved.
What does it mean to be loved?
What does it take to be loved?
Apparently, im not good enough to be loved?
I hate myself! It hurts so much!
Why does true love always
Put me on a shelf…..inadequate.
I search in my cherished, broken relationship
Where I find that even when im not alone
I’m still just all by myself….
My heart is so lonely because
I’ve been rejected so much
Even those close to me hesitate to touch
This breaks my heart completely
Every day I cry a river of tears
All these things that keep happening to me
Act as agents of all of my fears
So I wander listlessly through life
Rejected heart helpless and alone
Life collapsing, crushing and wounding me
I so long to go home.
But home is where your heart is
And my shattered heart is hung
On someone else’s cold decisions
As in place of love they hold me in derision
As I fear my fate and bide my time
And pray there is no permanent division.
asa

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The Sidewalk Revisited

On this sidewalk I did walk, again
Now that I am much older
I returned one sunny day out of the blue
To see if I could feel again
What I did all those years ago
Things have changed, but not much
As I remembered the walks I made
On these concrete squares
During those early years of my life.
I remembered once again, how
In that mystical way you came
And took my hand and started
To walk me through my life……
In the wee hours of my life
When I was young and very small
You came and took me by the hand
And helped my little broken heart
To hear your voice and answer the call
To hang in there no matter what
And stand tall……so I did
And so I have and that is what has worked
It would have been impossible
And never ever would have worked
If you had not come
At the worst time
At the height of the crime
When all was so dirty and sublime
And taking my hand, so gently
You became the one
Who always sees me through
So Jesus all I can ever do is
Thank and praise you.

asa

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The Sidewalk

I went back yesterday and walked down this sidewalk again after over 30 years. It was a crazy feeling, and I remembered a lot….helps me make peace with myself and my past as I get older. It was surreal.

A Beachcomber's Reflections

on this sidewalk i did walk

when i was very young

at dusk each evening when

the eerie branches rustled

i made the trip alone

mom would stand at the door

of our house this much

i knew to be the truth

but when you are six

and there are rustling styx

in makes your blood run cold

i restrained myself

from the fear!

i did not run

from the terror!

i kept my chin up instead

for You kept me

from coming undone

i kept my pace because

You held my hand

each step of the way

there and back again

and i knew for eternity

that You would

never forget me

only four houses and

two long lonely sidewalks

i made this familiar journey

to the church where

my mother sent me

i do not remember much

other than cookies and snacks

and that you always

went with…

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Status Quo

Would you love me?
If I told you I was gay?
Or would you look at me
In shocked disbelief,
With nothing more to say?
Would it turn your opinion of me
Like night turns to day?
Or would you say
You always kinda knew.
Then why the dirty jokes
And devilish remarks
That hurts my heart
And makes me blue,
And makes me wonder
If I can ever trust you.
Would you appreciate my honesty?
Would you consider it integrity?
Would you grasp my deep respect?
For both God and man,
In my need to be real and true
And honest about who I am?
Or would you judge me infidel
And turn you back on me
And see me only as another
Little Boy Blue
Lost in the shuffle
And the hustle and bustle.
Now just one of the meaningless
Things in your life. Rejected!
Or, would you try?
Would you try and understand?
Would you stand with me?
Or would you just let fear
And insecurity mold you…..
Into the “Status Quo?”

asa

a tribute to my father, my family and my legacy……….and to honesty and the courage to be real and to be like God our Father…….to just be who we are so we can become who we will be…….
And thanks to Eugene Field who wrote the poem “Little Boy Blue” which has long touched my heart, made me cry and remember my lost little boy and to appreciate every moment with the people I love and respect and to accept them all just for who they are and nothing more……let God handle the rest…….

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dare to be different

A Beachcomber's Reflections

What is wrong with being different?

Why do we all have to be the same?

So much to be said about individuality

But you just try!

You’ll see who gets the blame

Why so many stereotypes?

In their neat little boxes and paper bags

Are we so quickly and neatly summed up?

In single file categories, straight lines, plain flags

Color blind ideas in a Rainbow world

Fear, walls and divisions, human traditions

Where bigotry stands behind twisted pickets and lies

With blood stained hands creating hatred that is hurled

At people like you and I, just people, folks, you and I

Whose right is it to make us cry

Just because we are who we are

Do we have to kill ourselves?

Or be drug behind someone’s car?

Or beat to a pulp and left for dead

Just one more fallen star?

Just get the message! Be different……

…..at…

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Never Give Up

Are you broken hearted?

Feeling lonely, down and blue?

Has life become too hard?

Now you don’t know what to do.

Are you disillusioned

By disappointment?

Battered by despair.

Have you lost the joy

Of contentment?

Has life turned out

To seem most unfair?

Do you matter?

Do I matter?

As the wheels of providence

Keep turning and turning

And the sands of time

Trickle down and those

Who are sad?

Just keep getting sadder

And this life keeps churning and burning,

Running our hearts down

Deep into the ground……don’t give up!

Look up!  Look around!

Plainly it can be seen

Many a wounded soul has seen

This world can be mean.

Unbending.

Especially for the brokenhearted

Lonely, drifting souls, like ours.

But know one thing is true.

We are not alone,

Many are there like us,

Many are they who are in need.

So many lonely ones, like us

Whose hearts bleed, and agonize,

Longing to belong, to commune, to fraternize

With those who understand.

Life is hard.

Many hearts are shattered, scattered

Like earthen jars, clay pots

Smashed on the sidewalk of life

And treaded under foot,

Discarded and alone, until……

The Master comes along

And gathers all the pieces of our

Shattered hearts, stained glass

Molded into a rainbow of illumination

And blended into a new creation of love

Fired in the furnace of suffering, rejection

And affliction…..out of the ashes

Arises beauty…..a seed dead in the ground

Becomes a huge, wise old tree.

Never give up, let the travail

Give birth to the new……

Let you heartbroken suffering and rejection

Become the foundation

On which a better future is built.

 

asa

 

 

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